Useless Footy Stats

About the Author

Aaron Delaporte, who resides in Western Australia, is a self-confessed Fremantle Dockers tragic who founded the highly successful Facebook page called UAS – Useless AFL Stats in 2017. Known as ‘the Head Honcho’ or ‘Della’, he puts his love for useless statistics down to an incident in primary school when he was knocked out cold by an Allan Border-signed bat. The knock gave him extraordinary mental abilities, but only in respect to sporting statistics that were completely useless in their application. He uses his power to great effect, blessing others with facts, titbits and useless information that they never thought they needed, but that are oddly appreciated by many. Aaron has also been known to say that he would give his left testicle to have played the great game at the highest level, and that these stats, while sometimes considered demeaning, are in fact a tribute to anyone who has ever pulled on a jumper.

Bill Skelton is an idiot whose career as a professional cricketer was tragically cut short due to his lack of ability. Devastated that he would never get to play with Darren Berry, Bill turned his sights to two other passions: ventriloquism and sports statistics. When he isn’t performing with his beloved ‘Adam’, he is developing new ways to measure Australian Rules football in increasingly useless ways. His pickup line in bars was always: ‘Did you know that Billy Brownless once had five scoring shots in a game in which he officially only had four disposals?’ As odd as a Gryan Miers field kick but equally talented, Bill is also an animator who regularly dresses as the WWE wrestler and Fields Medallist mathematician Scott Steiner.