The Books I'd Recommend For Every New Parent

I'm four years into becoming a parent at this point, and every year feels like a whole new challenge (in both the best and hardest way). Every day I'm realizing I know nothing at all, and grasping for those who can shine a light on what might be coming next, and how I can try my best at this incredible important and mysterious job of helping another little human make sense of and stay safe in the world. 

Here's the reading list I would (and do) give to any new parent - but if you read no further can I just remind you that you're doing an amazing job. Messing up daily? Great. Me too. It's important our tamariki learn that they don't have to be perfect and we can model that for them - I think that's at least one part of parenting I'm currently winning at! These are the picture books that will bring you back to this moment, the poems that made me tear up and feel seen, the non-fiction books that helped ease some fears, and the mumoirs (mum memoirs) that helped me get the help I needed.

Of course the first thing I did upon learning that I was going to become a parent was surround myself with every book possible about prepping for parenting, getting ready to give birth (HOW), and trying to learn everything there was to learn about parenting before my child arrived (spoiler alert, this is impossible). Of the many many books I read to try and train up, 90% of them I either don't remember, or became absolutely useless once I was confronted with the reality of becoming a parent. 

Luckily there were a few that did stand out and that although couldn't prepare me for the shift, they are ones that I felt like helped calm me down and recenter on what mattered most. These are also the ones that I would go back to again now, and in fact often have. 

 I think the first book I read and really found life changing in it's gentle approach to becoming a parent was 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' by Philippa Perry. I honestly think everyone should read this, not just new parents. It's full of practical advice that are so helpful when it comes to imagining what it might be like to create a relationship with your child that is supportive and loving and not necessarily the exact same relationship you might have experienced as a child. Emily Oster is another amazing resource for new parents, with both of her books very reassuring when it comes to understanding the stats behind some of the common things new parents are terrified about e.g. drinking coffee. The other book I would love to give to every parent is 'Good Inside' by Becky Kennedy. This is such an important read - a perfect balance of practical advice and the firm reminder that everyone involved is always doing their best - including you the tired and overstimulated parent, and the child who is managing huge emotions and trying to get their needs met. It's an excellent book - easy to engage with but will stay with any parent as that voice in the back of your head that helps you embrace the challenges that will no doubt c

The picture books that I still love now are the ones I read many a night in those early years and both me and my child (and her amazing dad) still reach for them today. Reading to your newborn is in my opinion as much for you as it is for them, and the power of a good picture book is it's ability to grab you by the heart and gently give you a little recentering moment of remembering what all of this is about, and how magical it all is even when you've survived 5 hours of colic and are hanging on by a thread or in my case the promise of a kit kat once this beautiful gorgeous child finally goes to sleep. 

There are some absolute classics that are sweet to read aloud, and truly stand the test of time. Some of our favourites were (and still are!) 'Ten Little Fingers and Ten Little Toes' and 'If I Could' - both filled with gorgeous illustrations and simply lovely words to read together. A more recent favourite is 'How to have good dreams' - a gorgeous hardback book that would make such a beautiful gift for a new parent, and hopefully send everyone off for more than 20 minutes of sleep at a time.

As is classic for me, I'm going to overshare and get a bit vulnerable and I hope that it makes at least one other struggling parent out there feel a little less alone. I love being a mum, I was so incredibly grateful to be pregnant and then to have a newborn to bring home. After the first few months I really reached a low point with mental health challenges post-partum and struggled to see the light on the days when feeding my beloved child was a soul-destroying mission and my nights were made of scraps of 20 minutes sleep here and there and many episodes of Masterchef while I sat in the dark as my child slept on me. It got really tough and my biggest advice is to reach out as soon as you can - parenting is hard and the newborn stage is incredibly tough, but you don't have to experience it without support. Chat with your plunket team or your GP, chat with other mums and dads and caregivers, reach out and remember that this time will pass and your job is to make sure you are okay first and foremost. 

As well as getting support from my GP, therapy and medication, there were a few key books that really helped me understand my situation better, or just made me feel seen in a way that I found nowhere else.

For any new mum I would gift them one of Jessica Urlichs' book of poetry. I recently read 'They Bloom Because of You' and it's just as impactful now as reading 'Beautiful Chaos' was when I was four months in and struggling hard. Jessica gets the duality of motherhood, the push and pull of devoting yourself to your amazing child/ren, and also losing some part of yourself at the same time. She captures the messy beauty inherent in parenthood and I think any parent would benefit from her poems.

I'm so grateful to be a mum, especially to my girl. She's amazing - strong willed and independent, full of love and curiosity, a bug lover and a musician, generous with her cuddles and still wants me to lie with her when she sleeps. I wouldn't ask for it any other way, and yet if I could go back in time I wish I could have given both us a little more grace - and I hope you give that grace to yourself too.