Self-Help for People Pleasers (Yes you!)

I'm not saying that I am a people pleaser, or that I struggle to say no, but lets just agree that some of us need a little extra help with recognizing our boundaries, saying no every once in a while (shudder), and making sure that showing up and caring for others doesn't happen at the expense of our own wellbeing. 

As always, I turn to books and have a little collection of ones I've read and found helpful, as well as others on my TBR that I think I still may benefit from even though I'm absolutely perfect and need no further help. Obviously. 

Also, just a reminder - being a human is hard, being a people pleaser/recovering people pleaser/people pleaser in denial is a challenge that takes more than just one book to unpack. Please get support where you need it, chat with your GP if you want help with digging a little deeper. These books can be a useful tool as part of a wider system of support. Take care out there fellow humans, it's a weird and wild existence at the best of times!

As part of our development at Book Hero we get to choose a monthly book that helps us to grow in some way. One of the first books I requested was Are You Mad at Me by Meg Josephson, and it was such a good read despite the slightly revealing title about my neuroses. Jospehson delves into six archetypes of people pleasing, and reveals the underlying trauma response that causes this behaviour. I found it extremely supportive and thought provoking, and then later followed it up with a rather similarly titled book, Why Does Everybody Hate Me by Alex Partridge. This one is a little more specifically about the ADHD angle, with RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) at it's core. If you identify as having ADHD traits like RSD, I would highly recommend this book. I found it helped me accept the part of me that causes so much stress as not just a personal failing but rather a different way that my brain reacts to social environments.

On a completely different note, Mauritau by Dr Jessica Gerbic has been helpful for me in terms of understanding my health and wellbeing and energy as an interconnected system, identifying 12 different states of mauri which explain why some days feel so completely different internally to others, and connecting my approach to wellbeing with the four pillars of whare tapa wha. I loved the first half of this book which is her guide to the 12 different states of mauri, and have started using the second half which is more journal reflection pages to put what I've learned into practice. Although not specifically about people pleasing I still think this book is a useful tool for anyone who struggles to take care of themself first.

These ones are a little less fresh and weren't read this year, but came to mind as part of my lifelong journey of caring less about others (but like still caring about them, just not in such dysfunctional ways?). 

I feel like everyone by this point has read The Let Them Theory by self-help powerhouse Mel Robbins, but if you haven't picked this one up yet you absolutely should. It's such a simple premise but because of that it's one that sticks with you: when you're feeling frustrated with others, anxious about what they are thinking about you or how they might react, use the phrase "let them" to remind you that it's not your job to manage everyone else's experiences. Your job is to show up as authentically as you can as yourself, and trust others to to do the same. 

Sarah Knight's The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck is another great read for a people pleaser who gives far too many. This one is super approachable if you're not someone who reads a lot of self-help, and is also hilarious and fun to read as Knight gives a no-nonsense lesson on how you can free yourself from caring too much, and open up space for you to focus on your own joy and satisfaction.

I love the wonderfully pink-haired Florence Given. Every time she pops up on my social media I am reminded of what someone living a bold and empowering life looks like. Her STUNNING book, Woman Living Deliciously, is also vibrant and bold and full of her own wonderful drawings of women just enjoying life. This is less self help and more just a reminder to live deliciously, and would make such a great gift for any woman-identifying person in your life. It's one you can flick through, pop on the coffee table, read aloud with friends. 

Sometimes whilst browsing books as I write a blog or brainstorm ideas I come across books I didn't know existed but wish I had, or ones that are coming that I immediately need to pre-order. This is those ones that I think would also be super helpful for any recovering people-pleaser, but I'm going mainly off vibes as I haven't read these ones yet!

A big area I know I could explore more is boundaries (terrifying). It feels like Dr Henry Clour and Dr John Townsend would be a good place for people pleasers to start with their book about Boundaries as well as their workbook.  I am also drawn towards Nedra Glover Tawwab's book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, which looks like a good mix of practical advice and strategies along with an inclusive approach. 

There are some pre-orders coming which I now have my eye on. Why Do I Keep Doing This by Kati Morton looks really good - a guide to untangling some of the patterns that can become so ingrained in the way we walk through life. Written by a licensed therapist (which we love) this book is about the fact that so much of our struggles and anxieties are connected to us feeling less worthy of time and care, or of that dreaded fear of being 'too much'. This is a guide to creating change through understanding the deep down cause of our behaviours and rewiring those beliefs that can hold us back.

I loved Dan Harris' earlier book, 10% Happier, so I was super excited to see he has a new one releasing in January next year. Me: A Love Story takes his experiences with a 360 Review from the people he loved that led him down a path of learning more about self-love. Yes, the term "self-love" makes me cringe, but this book is about the way we talk to ourselves.

Good Anger by Sam Parker will look terrifying to any people pleaser who has spent a lifetime repressing any tiny sign of anger, but that's why I think this one will be such a great read. Same with Dance Like Nobody's Watching by Michelle Wadleigh, a beautiful book that leans more on the spiritual side of transforming your self-esteem issues to self-love with guided work through each chapter. If you're more into the woo woo stuff (I love both) then this one will be perfect.