The Chaser Quarterly: Issue 16

We all know the tale of Hansel and Gretel, or The Sleeping Beauty, but yesterday's morality tales need serious updating.

Written by one of Australia's leading satirists, Charles Firth (The Chaser), each tale investigates a current topic that you can read to your kids to teach them about how morality actually works nowadays.

• Why it's alright for banking CEOs to steal money from middle class families
• Why you shouldn't tell anyone about a horrible man if he's more powerful and well-connected than you
• Why you should accept gold coins to not talk about rising water levels

THE TALES

The One Bad Prince
A woman travels from a distant land to visit the King to tell him of a terrible tale about an evil Prince. Many years before, she says, this prince was mean and horrible to her. He drank too much, and played weird games the woman didn't like. He was not a good man; he was a very, very bad man. But when the woman told the King this, he went to the courtier to get his version of events. The courtier was not a charming man, he was not a smart man, but he was very well connected, and he told the King another tale about why the King should just ignore the woman. The King immediately banished the woman from the kingdom, and everyone lived happily ever after (except the woman).

Archimedes And His Bath
Archimedes was getting into his bath one day when he realised that the water level was rising higher and higher. Eventually, he worked out what was happening—a large block of ice was melting into the bath. All he had to do was move the ice away from the stove. But just as he was about to do that, Archimedes was offered a gold coin from a charming prince and told that as long as he did nothing about the melting ice, he would be rewarded with lots of riches. Eventually, Archimedes drowns, but he drowns a rich and happy man.

The Bear Family
The story of how a mummy bear, who is a doctor, earns less gold coins than the daddy, who does exactly the same work. Then a prince breaks into the Bear Family's house and steals everything from them. When the prince is discovered, he is taken before the King for punishment, who instead promotes him to become a CEO of a major bank.

The Boy Who Wanted A Friend
Tells the tale of a boy who wanted a friend and programmed his computer to get friends. He ends up being friends with everyone, but is still lonely. Until one day, the King's advisor comes and offers him gold coins to spill the beans on all his friends.